Aw, People Magazine, why do you have to do it? Why do you have to make me dislike the people I should like? You’ve done it often before, and now gosh golly you’ve gone and done it again. This time, it’s Marco Rubio.
I’m a Republican. A proud conservative. So why do you have to go and annoy me on the profile on Rubio by telling me that he’s been called “a Latino Barack Obama” (like I’m assuming that’s a good thing?) and “the Republican savior” (umm … most conservatives have one savior. I won’t tell you who it is, but hint: it’s not Marco Rubio).
Do you have to insult conservatives everywhere by acting shocked, shocked! that Rubio has a “careful, thoughtful temperament”? I mean, I was thinking he was like that stupid George W. Bush there for a minute!
Must you insinuate that Republicans are mean and out of the mainstream by saying that Rubio “helped steer comprehensive immigration reform through the Senate … criticized by his conservative base” (because, you know, that conservative base hates immigrants. Just hates ’em!).
Then you have to make Rubio sound all non-Republican and nice guy (because of course being a Republican and a nice guy could never happen!) by quoting him: “I interact with people who flat-out tell you, ‘Look, my kids were hungry. And I am going to do what it takes to feed them.’ You think, ‘If I had been in that position, would I have done something different?” Wow. I really think we need to pay more taxes for welfare and food stamps because, you know, there are so many hungry kids in America today. Just go to WalMart and you’ll be overwhelmed by all the kids who are so thin you can count their ribs. In America! This is a travesty that cannot stand! Even our beloved first lady, Michelle Obama, is encouraging American kids to eat more because there are way too many hungry kids in America! Oh, wait …
It seems that Parade Magazine likes Marco Rubio, and I’m thinking this is probably not a good thing. “Rubio’s been busy adopting more conservative stances … which have helped maintain his credibility with right-leaning voters.” ‘Cause as a conservative, I’m always on the lookout for candidates who are adopting more conservative stances in order to maintain their credibility with me. That’s just so … authentic.
Yep, Parade sure does like Rubio: “The charismatic and youthful Rubio ranked third in popularity among Republican voters, after Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz (Chris Christie came in eighth among Republican voters, but first among all voters).” Hmmm … seems to me that Parade is insinuating here that us stupid Republicans would be wise to give Chris Christie a widdle more love. Never mind that Christie has given plenty of love to Obama: voters put him first! Nothing else should matter! And as a side note, does Parade consider Chris Christie youth and charismatic? I’m just curious.
Parade even managed to turn me off on Rubio by mentioning that his wife was a former Miami Dophins cheerleader. Now, Jeanette Rubio may be a “strict mom” as she’s described in the article, denying her daughters the right to wear crop tops and insisting they sign contracts before getting pets, but somehow I’m having a tough time combining “strict mom” and “former Miami Dolphins cheerleader” in my mind.
Those sure do look like crop tops.
Now, I must add that Marco Rubio standing up against Obamacare with Ted Cruz and Rand Paul greatly enhanced his standing in my eyes. But somehow I’m guessing Parade won’t be running a feature on that!